i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
