she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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