i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize