i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
