Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
