You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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