chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
