When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
