According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize