I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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