K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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