forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
