he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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