I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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