blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
