so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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