I'm going to jail i love you
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
