You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
