i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
