So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
