my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am one with the molecules
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
