Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
