That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
