If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
