I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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