All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
