I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
