i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
