yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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