she woke up with a sticky ear
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
