shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
