Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
how do flat chested girls get laid?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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