Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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