My sheets look like a crime scene.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
