Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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