Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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