Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
