I'm so fucking centered right now
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
