Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
