He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
