awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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