I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
