I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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