considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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