That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize