My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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