'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
