I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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