I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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