Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
