I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
