How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
