Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
