i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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