Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
