I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
