i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
